Silence is Fucking Golden.

Sometimes I dream of getting sent to prison. Not a nightmare, no… a dream. And as soon as I get there, I shank a guard so that I get to spend a really really super long time in solitary confinement.

Heaven!
Heaven!

I am not kidding. I know most humans need physical contact with other humans. I’ve never really been that person. I need more alone time than other-human time. My brain needs quiet. I’d say, ideally, I would get a solid 5+ hour block every 2-3 days. Because I need a couple hours of nothingness to get me in the right place.  Then I can begin to think.

So imagine how agitated I have become… I’ve had 30 minutes alone in my car in the last 4 months. In the last year, MAYBE I’ve had 5 hours –when I was still living in PA and could drop my kids off at my parents while I went grocery shopping.  And believe me… shopping doesn’t count as “alone time”.

It’s been 1.5 years since I really got some Me TIME. All to myself to relax and clear my head. Both kids were in school then. Two years since I got away without my kids for a couple days, that would be the AO conference in 2012.

And well, it’s affecting me. Greatly. My son hasn’t stopped pacing and verbal stimming all day. Well… week… month… But today it’s on my Dog-damned last nerve.  And I come off as the asshole because I’m saying, every 30 seconds, one of the following:
shhhhhhhhhhhh!
stop pacing
stop running!
Gavin, please stop!
Please shhhhhhhh!
too loud
GAVIN!

I can’t remember the last time I took the earbuds out of my ears.  They are there to drown out all the other noise.  But even music is agitating me today.

Of course, Autism is the issue. It’s fucking impossible to find affordable care/respite.  Most moms in my shoes don’t work. We can’t. So there is no money. That is the other issue.  Money abso-fucking-lutely buys happiness. If I had money. I’d fly up North, drop Gavin off at my parents for a few days and then fly off to some secluded island somewhere… where the only other person on the island is my personal bar tender.

Gavin’s out of school.  Because of his issues with OCD and violent reactions to certain sounds, I would be a bad parent to drop him off at any school or day program.  So this is my life. For now? Forever?

So anyway… I guess here is where I tell you that I have 1 kidney and half a liver for sale. I need a vacation.

I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

You have to give up…
You have to give up…

 

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2 thoughts on “Silence is Fucking Golden.”

  1. OMG, yes!!! I’m that asshole, too. My kid keeps pushing me, despite begging her to stop because I’m overwhelmed, keeps pushing me until I have a breakdown. Then, as I sit there on the floor, sobbing and unable to even crawl, she’s nagging “but I need…”

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