I pulled down a lot of old blogs from the old site because I wanted to edit them and repost them on the new blog. I was aiming to get this one done and up today as it’s been three years since Jani Lane died. In the middle of typing I saw the post on twitter about Robin Williams. So I am going to add this here. You all need to read this book: The Vitamin Cure for Depression and check out Andrew W. Saul’s webpage Doctor Yourself which is full of great information. And please watch the videos at the end.
So here it is, the old post with some edits. Not much because I just want to post it and not really think about. Life is too short. Be yourself. Get your life. Live it. Have fun with it.
Let’s begin with some mood music:
I cracked open the WordPress tonight while recovering from my giant kidney stone drama and started nosing around at the unfinished blogs in my draft folder hoping to find the inspiration to finish one. Instead something else caught my eye… Search Terms!! I get to see what people type into the search engine that brings them to my blog. As you can guess, “autism wars” and “autism awareness” are at the top, but from there it gets dark… really fucking dark. Sometimes amusing. Mostly depressing.
my autistic son stresses me out
my autistic child is ruining my marriage
my sons autism is killing us
stress of looking after an autistic child is crushing me
i work with an autistic kid and my stress is killing me
i can’t wait until i can put my autistic son in an institution
i have thoughts of killing my autistic child
what to do when you can no longer care for an autistic child
fuck autism, I want my life back
are people with autism considered human
should you call an autistic child stupid?
stupid fucking autistic people and their stupid fucking obsessions
autistic people are scum
autism diet doesn’t work
–you get the idea? (there’s lots more)
I have been pondering truly depressing shit for a couple weeks now, but my wheels really got turning when I read the story of the 911 call from when Jani Lane’s body was discovered in a California Hotel. The one detail that stuck in my head was the note in his pocket –not a suicide note per se, but one that showed us the path he was going down. The note said, “I am Jani Lane” and had a friend’s phone number on it. How fucking depressing. I am guessing his friend felt that shoving some identification into Jani’s pocket was the last thing he could do…It’s incredibly sad.
Those search terms that I get to see, and some of the comments and messages I get from parents and caregivers… incredibly sad.
Recently, my 6 year old stunned me with this one, “I wish God didn’t make us”. The look on my face was likely priceless as I am an atheist, but mainly because it was quite a deep thought for my boy to be having. When I asked him why, he told me “Because the Earth is stupid”.
Now, the life of an autism sibling is not an easy one, I am sure there was much more going on in his head, he’s a deep thinker for a 6 year old –but he summed it up quite well with his ‘earth is stupid’ bit. In my head I tried to figure the best way to answer –I don’t want to mislead the child. The Earth can be stupid, but that’s not the point. “I know Lem, but we can still enjoy our time here by having fun and eating cake” then we both laughed. 😉 And that is the point folks!
I felt incredibly bad for Jani Lane. I feel incredibly bad for anyone in that position. I don’t understand what it’s like to be so depressed that I would kill myself and/or take a child with me (which happens too often in the autism community). Or so hooked on alcohol that I would knowingly just be drinking myself to death. (Dr. Saul has a Vitamin Cure for Alcoholism book too that you really need to read, alcoholic or not, his books are full of great information.) I have never had that feeling, so I can’t pretend to know how easy it might be to crawl out of it –even with the promise of fun times and cake. But I can promise if you look into diet and orthomolecular medicine you might be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Those search terms?? As bad as it can get in my head sometimes, as bad as autism can be, I have never typed those words into any search engine. There are too many things in my life that are good to be thinking that way. Even when I am sitting at the far end of the tunnel and the light at the end is so dim… I think about the things I like. The things that I enjoy and the things that make me laugh. The things I want to do or do again.
I like the sand between my toes. I like getting drunk with my friends. I like first kisses. I like driving around my shitty home town blasting gangster rap in front of the old people. I like talking to strangers. I like screaming random names out to people on the side of the road (Jim!!! HI JIM!!!) and watching the puzzled looks on their faces (HOURS of entertainment). I like watching SouthLand (Season 4 coming Jan 2012 to TNT!!). I LOVE crawfish and beer and hot, humid, Louisiana summers. I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE. (2014 Edit: Even though SouthLand is gone now… we’ll always have the DVDs!)
Ok, so life with autism is fucking HARD. It’s stressful. But we need to focus on the things that bring us joy. For some of us, that might mean stepping back from the endless crusade of autism awareness to focus on your own family. For some it might mean stepping back from the 24/7 crusade of trying to save your family to really ENJOY your family (Hi trees, did you see a forest around here anywhere?). FOR SOME finding JOY will mean picking up the autism awareness torch from those who had to take a break for a while
For some of you, JOY is a BONG*! FIND YOUR BLISS.
*Ok, we know I am talking about myself here.
my autistic son stresses me out –yes, he will. I’m sorry. Try Yoga, or wine.
my autistic child is ruining my marriage –your spouse might be a dick. Communicate better. If that doesn’t work, your spouse is definitely a dick.
my sons autism is killing us –Find your bliss. Sand between your toes. Making out with strangers. Bongs. Lots and lots of bong hits.
stress of looking after an autistic child is crushing me –Have you tried Merlot? Merlot and CALL ME! We’ll drink together.
i work with an autistic kid and my stress is killing me –then go work at fucking McDonald’s because my child’s future depends on people like you being able to do your job. You aren’t cut out for it. QUIT.
i can’t wait until i can put my autistic son in an institution –I am sorry to hear that. I wish you had more help. Please try the diet and other biomedical interventions, it might get better.
i have thoughts of killing my autistic child –please don’t. If you reach that point drop your child off some place safe and go directly to the hospital. Or call 911.
what to do when you can no longer care for an autistic child –call social services, call family and friends for help.
fuck autism, I want my life back –Amen sister! I am in the process of defiantly taking my life back whether or not autism approves. FUCK AUTISM.
are people with autism considered human –yes, but not sure you are.
should you call an autistic child stupid? –um..no… but we are going to call you a cunt from here on out.
stupid fucking autistic people and their stupid fucking obsessions –It’s called OCD you stupid fucking moron, and it’s not under their control (diet helps 😉
autistic people are scum –well, now, maybe you’ve met some of the ND crowd?
autism diet doesn’t work –fuck you. Yes it does. Each child is different. Start GFCFSY and tweak from there.
Please don’t kill yourselves. Please don’t kill your kids. Please don’t be such a drunk that your friends put their contact info on a slip of paper in your pocket. You think nobody cares?? I care. I am serious. I can be reached anytime except 3 a.m. to 10 a.m. when I sleep. I care. I do. E-mail me: email@example.com or facebook me. Tweet me. We’ll talk. We’ll get drunk together on the beach while making out and watching SouthLand DVDs after a hot, humid day of crawfish feasting! IT WILL BE OK.